Doubting the Doubt...

So I know I said I would post something regarding what I learned while in the wilderness, however, this had to come first. Earlier this week I was really convicted. Convicted because of my doubt, my worry. To my shame I still struggle with doubt, and as a result, that issue permeated throughout the rest of my life. Just this past Monday I still felt uncomfortable around my friends. I still felt like I didn't belong, I still felt like a liar.

Tuesday I prayed to God after hearing a sermon from Greg Laurie. A verse from Jeremiah stuck out to me. Jeremiah 33:3 "Call to Me, and I will answer you, and show you great and mighty things, which you do not know." I had always thought that crying out to God was foolish. To ask Him for a sign made you weak, however, the very character from the bible that I relate to was made strong by this "weakness". Doubting Thomas was made strong because of his doubt. The Lord went on to say though, that Blessed is he who does not see and believes.

I cried out to God this morning. It was at that point He shattered me. It was at that point I realized how badly I needed Him. No amount of ministry, christian friends, or success was going to get me His grace. I already had it. It belonged to me, I simply had to believe. So this morning I prayed the most honest prayer I have every prayed in my life. I asked God to forgive me of my unbelief, thanked Him for my belief and told Him I refused to look for signs, I refused to rely on my eyes to see Him. At that point I was parked at work. Then I asked Him to speak to me. So I grabbed my devotional book, but then quickly put it down. God speaks to us everyday I realized. The bible isn't just the bible, it is HIS WORD. HIS WORD! Read it and guess what, He is speaking to you! I don't need a fancy devo from some smart scholar, I just need the word. I had no idea what to read, so I just kept reading a book I was already finishing. Titus. He spoke, LOUD AND CLEAR! It was so awesome. I can't even describe it. I knew it was Him. I had my moment. Finally!

Here is the verse: Titus 3:3 For we ourselves were also once foolish, disobedient, deceived, serving various lusts and pleasures, living in malice and envy, hateful and hating one another. 4 But when the kindness and the love of God our Savior toward man appeared, 5 not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit, 6 whom He poured out on us abundantly through Jesus Christ our Savior, 7 that having been justified by His grace we should become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.

God is amazing.

So I have two things I want to tell you and two challenges for you. First thing. Unless lead to, I will no longer use this blog as a way to throw my doubts and worries around. I refuse. I am done talking about it, now it's time to do something about it. Time to let Him work. Second, I will no longer blog on anything outside of His will. What he says to me, what he speaks, is what I'll type. Nothing more, nothing less.

My first challenge to you, well it is actually a cry for help from a brother. If you ever hear me speak of doubt or worry, slap me, please, then pray. :-)

"The weakest faith in Christ is more liberating than the strongest faith in anything else" - Tim Keller. Secondly, when you get a moment, check out a sermon from a man by the name of Timothy Keller, it is called "Doubt: What to do with all my doubts". This man truly is blessed. He has something for everyone.

I pray that you might be encouraged by my little mini-story. I know I have said this a thousand times, but I really am finished with it. I gave it up, finally, to God. Stepping out in faith now. Whatever happens from here on, is His. In a sense, now I can finally say without a doubt, I am saved. I am His. Done deal. Love you guys!

Oh, and don't worry, the next post will be on the ranch experience, I promise.

Shepard the Flock of God which is among you...

God truly does consider the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4). While at first we may not see it, over time, He begins to reveal to us what our hearts truly desire. If we are for Him, it is His will and He uses our passions and our loves for His purpose. This makes our work for Him that much more amazing, because it isn't coming from our deceiving minds, but our hearts, our hearts that are filled with Him.

A few months ago I sat down with my best friend and brother over some sushi. In our conversation I poured out my heart's desires to him. I had never expressed myself like this. In a sense, I made myself vulnerable. Essentially I told him I was envious of him. He was doing something I wished I could do. He was serving God, but in a way that to me is both difficult yet most rewarding to the Kingdom. He was ministering to the Youth, i.e. tomorrows leaders.

See to me, there is nothing better than taking the knowledge and wisdom that God has given me through life's trials and giving that to someone else. Additionally, I always had a heart for teaching. I remember I used to tutor SAT Math and AP Calculus Math for fun, teaching was always something I enjoyed, it was fun.

So here I am pouring myself out to him and he just looked at me and responded saying: "And what are you waiting for? You can do it if you really want to." He proceeded to tell me that God uses anyone and everyone to do his work, no matter what they thought of themselves. I knew this, but why would God use me? What would I have to offer God? I mean look at me, I've only been back in church for a few months, and at the time of this convo, I wasn't even in church, I was still doing my own thing and "finding" fulfillment in the world and its "glory".

So we departed ways and went about the rest of our days, but his words stuck with me. Funny thing is, a week later I started going back to church. In that same week, his wife sent me a text after she invited me over to their house. "So you I hear you wanna join us Uth Leaders?" Did I ever, but I responded just saying I was thinking about it. Mind you, I had no intention of doing so, I didn't think I was worthy, nor was I qualified, it would take years for me to do anything.

This past January I joined Financial Peace University, they met on Friday nights, same as Uth group. The first Friday I was there, I left, though I wanted to say hi to my friends who served. That night I got a text from my friend's wife again asking where I was. After she found out I was going home, she told me that next week I should stick around to say hi. I did just that, and a funny thing happened, I started talking to the kids, no not just talking, sharing. It was pretty sweet. This continued for a few weeks until through a series of events I found myself applying for Uth...

This past weekend, there I stood, in front of my best friend, at Jose's ranch, for a Uth Leader retreat. I looked at him and said, "Remember that convo we had back in December? I can't believe I am standing in front of you right now." "Bro, God knows the desires of your heart man." It was then that it sank in. God is listening to me, I like a fool sometimes think He isn't, but looking back, he really is.

Trust me when I say this, He hears you, and He will not be mocked, He knows what He is doing, He is without shadow of turning (James 1:17), which is to say, He has no dark side, and while sometimes we ourselves might feel like we are in the dark, just know that there is light, you just have to look up.

There is a second part to this post, I wanna touch on some stuff He showed us while in the wilderness...

Have you considered His servant Job?

I can't count how many times my dad used to tell me the same story. "When I was your age..." or for those cuban readers, "Esto no pasaba en Cuba..." My father had always been someone who enjoyed passing on wisdom. I remember I used to tell myself I would never be like my father, well here I am, sharing his wisdom and also sharing the wisdom that my Heavenly Father gave me. My dad makes me laugh when he makes his Cuban references, however, let's look past the reference. Our parents grew up in a different time. They weren't spoiled by technology as we are today, they actually had to do a lot more. Imagine living without a computer, or a cell phone, or even a TV. You can't imagine life without it, however, our parents spent most of their lives without any of these things, and they made out just fine.

When they raised us, our parents did so by taking the things they had gone through, and imparted in us the wisdom and knowledge they gained as a result of their trials, so that we might not stumble. Now imagine how effective that message would have been had our parents not experienced anything? In order for us to use God's words to comfort others, we must experience that same comfort, because then, it is a sincere and real comfort that truly reflects the love of Christ. 2 Cor 1:3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

We don't just have our parents to look to for advice, and sometimes we as sheep need an example of our issues and how to go about solving them. For us, God isn't enough at times (wow we suck). Well God, being amazing, lets us know that we are not alone in our struggles. Men and women just like you went through the same things you are going through now. We have, as Hebrews 12:1 puts it, a "great cloud of witnesses" surrounding us. What do I mean, well take Paul, Moses, or Elijah. Elijah shot fire from heaven and days later ran like a dog with his tail between his legs for fear that the queen would kill him. Could you imagine, fire from heaven, and yet, he still feared? Puts things into perspective, eh? You are not alone in your daily battle, your daily race, where we all must die daily to ourselves.

Want more perspective? Think your life is bad, have you considered God's servant, Job? Yeah you knew it was coming, and you have James to blame! James 5:10 "My brethren, take the prophets, who spoke in the name of the Lord, as an example of suffering and patience. 11 Indeed we count them blessed who endure. You have heard of the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord—that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful."

Now think for a second, like our parents without technology, Job didn't have the bible. He only had his faith in God. Which in reality is what we have, however, we also have the bible to go with it. When Job was around, he didn't have the book of Proverbs for wisdom, didn't have Psalms for comfort, didn't have the gospels, didn't have Paul's letters, didn't even have Exodus, yet he lived a godly life, even in the face of being tempted and tormented by the devil himself. That puts perspective on our lives doesn't it?

I started reading Job this week due to my early week state of depression. Man did that change quick. I felt like a fool. Here I am complaining and growning about my life, bible in hand, and Job, bibleless, being tried by the devil himself, stood firm. That isn't to say Job didn't hate what he was going through, the man spent several verses cursing the day he was born. None of us enjoy going through trials, however, all things are for God's glory and that is something we need to recognize.

When you study material, how do you know how well you know the material? A test of course. Upon completion of that test, and you successfully pass it, how does that make you feel? You walk out like a champ! Same thing applies to our walk with Christ. James tells us to count it joy when we go through trials (James 1:2-4), why? Well how else are we going to learn how to have a deeper faith? How else are we going to learn patience? How else will we learn to be humble? To trust God more?

So what does God have in your life right now that seems to be killing you? How are you viewing it? Take a different spin on your trials. I know I have been. I need to go through doubts, I need to worry, I need to be attacked, so that God might guide me through it, and in the end, when I have made it through the trial, I can turn around and look at Him, saying thanks, knowing that He has undeniably stretched out His hand and helped me. I don't want trials, but I do want to grow. Bring on the cutters God, clip my useless branches...

Job 2:10“You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?” In all this Job did not sin with his lips.

I will Follow You...

Yesterday was a rough day. Satan had me cornered....but God... I love this song, so much that I wanted to share it with you. I heard it one afternoon on 90.9 LiFE FM and found it on iTunes. The band is awesome and a must have, especially this song. Last night, I laid down in bed, put on my noise-cancelling head phones and let the music flow. It was awesome. God started to break me and it was awesome. I pray He continues to break me... enjoy the song :-)



Let the Waters Rise

Don't know where to begin
Its like my world's caving in
And I try but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here?

sometimes its so hard to pray
When You feel so far away
But I am willing to go
Where you want me to
God, I trust You

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

I will swim in the deep
'Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm
And the calm of the sea
You'll never out of reach

God, You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding onto You
God Your love is enough
I will follow You
I will follow You

Ohhh

There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knees
So let the waters rise
If You want them to
I will follow You
I will follow You
I will follow You

Ohhh

1 Peter 4:1 Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because he who has suffered in his body is done with sin. 2As a result, he does not live the rest of his earthly life for evil human desires, but rather for the will of God.

My wake up call...

What moves you? What motivates you? Are you content with where you are? I know I'm not. For years, I spent time trying to find contentment in all the wrong places. To this day, I still struggle with the idea of contentment. Even now as I type, I struggle with it. Contentment is man's ultimate need, in the flesh and the spirit. That feeling of acceptance, success, self-worth. I mean think about it, what drives you most of the time? You want self-worth, you want that feeling of satisfaction, you want to be noteworthy in someone's book.

The need for self-gratification and purpose is built into each one of us. Realizing this, we turn to any avenue to find it. This would be the part that I say, as any Christian would say, it can only be found in one place, however, I can't just tell you that and not give you reason behind it. What weight do my words carry if I don't give you a personal realization of this?

By now, you are well versed in where my mind has been these days and in the past few years, granted, I haven't said everything, however, you get the idea. My mind is a tornado. I'll take thoughts, ideas, doubts, you name it, and spin them around, over and over again, with each spin, picking up something else in my vortex. I am what you would call, an overthinker. I'll take something and spin it fifty different ways and tear it to pieces, analyzing every last corner, I am not lying when I say I am doubting Thomas. For me to accept things is difficult, I walk by sight and not by faith, and what a weak faith it is. The sad part is that I'll give the chair I sit in more faith than I give God. I don't question that this chair will fall from under me, however, I'll question God, like an idiot.

So how does that have anything to do with motivation? Well for someone like me, I'll need a tactile something I can attach motivation to. Whether it be a person, a ministry, an achievement, even a prayer, I need something. It is a miserable existence, and a lot of it stems from the fact I spent so much time far from God, I forgot what His voice sounds like. At this point I doubt I ever even knew what His voice sounded like. I don't even know where I am going with this at this point, however, I'll keep going.

When we attach our faith, our motivation, our reason, our success to something tactile, something temporary (person, item, job, ministry), well then our joy and sense of fulfillment once we acheive our goal becomes exactly what it's basis is, temporary. What's worse is when these things fail us. If your universe revolves around something fragile, well then your universe is exactly that, fragile, and the slightest wave, can bring your universe to a crumbling hault.

Why do I say all this? Well, God showed me something. See I had my purpose of doing things in something temporary, that temporary thing failed me, not by it's own fault, but because I had placed so much weight on it, that when it didn't do or go the way I thought it would, it failed me. In a sense, right now I am broken.

Whether or not I am just being a worry wort worrying about nothing remains to be seen, however, from this, I can take something, and I hope you can too. See this brokeness I so easily slipped into made me realize that I was wrong. I was wrong at how I was going about living. Storing up treasures on earth, truly is foolish, now, store up eternal treasures in heaven, now we are talking. Let me say my heavenly storehouse is pretty empty right now.

My state of discontent right now comes as a result of my disconnect from God. What needs to happen in my life and in yours if it hasn't already, is that we go the way of Colossians 3:2-3 "Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life was hidden with Christ in God." It isn't easy, but it is either that or feel like this till I die, no thanks.

Here is my prayer for today:

Lord, I say it a thousand times, how undeserving I am, but I need to start believing it, I need to really take it into account. Apart from you I am nothing, and until I start putting you in the center, and let every planet in my life revolve around you, I'll always have a fragile universe. God purify my heart, make You my only motivation. It's by grace I exist, not by my own work. Whatever I do that is good, isn't me. Continue to rip me from me. Less of me God. I pray Lord that I experience Your love on a daily basis, and that on a daily basis I die to myself. I don't want to be motivated by myself or something/someone else, let it be you God. Even this blog God, while theraputic, should not substitute my ultimate therapy, found in You. Forgive for being a fool, and for worrying about things that are beyond me, when I should just be trusting you in all things...I got nothing else God, just own my heart God right now, and my mind...Amen

All I ever do is ask for things, Until I ask to much

The meaning of prayer is that we get hold of God, not of the answer - Oswald Chambers

I am so guilty of praying sometimes just to make myself feel better. The words at times will go unheard, I know that. I pray not out of love for God, but because in my carnal human mind, I associate praying for something with a good feeling and as a result, pray not because I have faith and think God will come through, but because the sheer idea of praying makes me feel better, and in turn I become consumed more by the request and less by the person who I am requesting something of.

Don't get me wrong, throughout the bible, God commands us to pray. He tells us to pray without ceasing (1 Thess 5:20), tells us to pray especially for specific needs (James 5:13-16), tells us in all things to pray (Phil 4:6), He even gives us a template to go by when praying (Matt 6:9-13), however, when we lose sight of who we are praying to, our prayers may as well go unsaid.

While God knows our thoughts, knows our past, present, and future, He still wants us to pray, else he wouldn't command us so often to pray, or tell us how we ought to pray. Think of it this way, when you want to get to know someone, say a significant other, or a love interest, talking is a must. You aren't going to learn anything about them in silence, you have to reach out, speak to them, know them. The same applies to God. He doesn't want us to accept Him, get our fire insurance and move on, He wants us to intimately know Him and spend time with Him. He wants us to pray with sincerity though, not just to impress those around us (Matt 15:8-9)

I write this because just before it hit me, I cought myself praying to Him out of obligation and because I wanted to "feel good," and that isn't what prayer is about. Prayer is two part, speak AND listen. In fact, I think the listen part comes first, to be quick to listen, slow to speak. We should listen for His voice and pray we respond in His will. Pray we act according to His word, Pray we live and die by the word, Pray we be bolder, Pray we give up whatever holds us down and causes us to be prideful, Pray for humility, Pray for discernment, I can keep going.

I made a list the other day in my prayer journal of things I need to pray for and get better at. I basically went through verses I had read, reflected on what caused me to highlight certain parts, then made a prayer list according to what the verse said to me. I challenge you to do the same. Get in the word, reflect on verses that stand out to you, make a list (check it twice, gonna find out...sorry...random I know) and pray about it. Pick a few things you know you need to focus on and pray over them so as not to overwhelm yourself. Get a prayer journal. I received one for my birthday and let me say it truly is the gift that keeps on giving. Sometimes my own thoughts and prayers minister to me and remind me of where I was and where I am, also keeps me in check.

Forward Motion....Part 2

It wasn't the great suggestion, It was the great commission. - Pastor Pedro

Part 2. We box God in our minds, by not seeing Him for who He is. How else can we box Him?

I had been looking for the second part to this idea of struggling with forward motion, and God shot me a parable this week, 3 times he gave it to me, He knows I need the confirmation several times (I hate being doubting Thomas). Matthew 25, starting on verse 14, Jesus gives us the parable of the talents. The parable goes that a man leaves three men with a number of talents for each. (I love that the currency used was talents, as that word can be both a currency or something we as humans excel at) When he comes back, two of the men took the talents they were given and multiplied them, having invested them in banks and gaining interest. The third man however, buried his talent and hid it from the world. When the man who had given the talents returned, he was well pleased with the first two, however, furious with the third man saying: "You wicked, lazy servant! So you knew that I harvest where I have not sown and gather where I have not scattered seed?"

Why would he hide his talent? Why would he box up his gift? We are guilty of this. I am first in line. I myself struggle with the idea of sharing what He has given me. This has nothing to do with money. He has given me and you and anyone else who calls on Him and believes, life. It is almost like we take that gift, and keep it in the gift box. We might take it with us here and there, but we'll never let out our gift, we'll never tell our story, His story. (This is why they call it HIStory)

"What is life kept to ourselves, careful words composed, it's a book upon the shelf, a story never told" - Daes Vail

Why do we box up our story? Is it fear? That is funny, because I remember reading somewhere that we were not given the spirit of fear. (This is the part where I yell at myself for being so guilty of the above) Tough pill to swallow. This isn't an easy message. It is easy for us to sit and yell about this all day, however, if we don't do it, what good is it? It is like being given a flashlight and being thrown into a dark room, then being instructed to do something, and doing without turning on our light. How does that make sense?

We are the light and the salt. My favorite picture of this part of scripture concerning being the light is one that was given by a special guest one night at CCk. Imagine all the lights in the city of Miami. Now imagine all these lights being located in one parking lot. The lot will be lit, however, the rest of the city will be in darkness. Those lights may as well not be on. They are in a sense, purposeless. You only need a handful of lights for that parking lot. The rest of those other lights need to properly be placed throughout the city so that there can be no darkness.

This message is a call. Christianity isn't about being comfortable. Jesus said in Matthew 10 that he didn't come to bring peace, but a sword. One of my favorite quotes that compliment this says: "I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity." - C.S. Lewis

We are always presented an opportunity day in and day out to preach His name, to share His word, to let out of our box, the amazingness that is God. I know for me, it is so hard. Hard to be bold, hard to sometimes see that opportunity, and more often than not (and this upsets me about myself so much), hard to go through with our commission.

The most painful thing to me, is to walk into a room and just look around and observe the people in it. There is someone in that room who is going to hell. Who may never hear the word, who may never know the love that is Jesus. Stop and think, could you imagine if the person or event that brought you to Christ never came, imagine that for a moment. It breaks me. What is frustrating is not knowing where to begin. Not having that discernment. Pray for it.

I read this book a while ago in high school called "The Prayer of Jabez". Don't ask me to tell you where in the bible Jabez is located, because I don't remember. For the most part, the book was a feel good book, but I remember one thing from it. It is the only part of the prayer I remember. "Lord expand my boundaries!" We need to daily ask God to send those opportunities our way. He has entrusted us with the commission of getting His word out, we need to do something with it.

Appropriately, there is a verse for this (Oh c'mon, you knew it was coming). James 1:22 "Be doers of the word, not just hearers, deceiving yourselves." I have commented on this verse plenty of times, however, which each post, the weight of it becomes heavier and heavier. As we begin to draw closer to Him and as our hearts begin to break for the things that break His heart, we begin to realize that if there is something that breaks God's heart, it is the want that all men come to know Him. Paul says it in Colossians that he labors hard for this goal, that all men might know Christ.

We need to do, not just hear. Pray that he reveals to you your calling, your ministry, your gift, then DO IT. It is nice to recite verses and reflect on how pretty they are or how they make us feel, but there is more to it. John 3:16 is gorgeous, verses found in Psalms are at times breathtaking, however, if we just hear them and do nothing with them, how is that in line with our commission?

Phil 2:4 Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others.

Don't limit God to the box of our minds, Don't box up God like a treasure that only makes you feel good, let Him out!

I challenge you today, take the first step in the great commission. Do it with me. I want, next week, that we make a new friend. It doesn't have to be a best friend or a huge convo, however, I want whoever reads this to take an interest in some other person. Pray for some discernment, then go out and get someone. You don't even have to talk to them about Jesus, you just have to show them some love. Make them feel cared for in some way. You never know what will come of it, you could very well be speaking to the next Greg Laurie..