An Injury All Caused by my Own Fistic...

"As you grew, we helped you avoid unnecessary worry. As you leave, remember that 90% of what you worry about never happens." Catherine & Byron Pulsifer, from As You Grew

90%. That's a lot of wasted time. We have 24 hours in a day. Say we spend 8 hours sleeping (if we were so lucky) that leaves us 16 hours. Now take 14.5 hours of that and do nothing with it, just flush it away. That leaves us 1.5 hours. How much can you get done in 1.5 hours? I mean it takes me at least .5 hours to just get out of bed some days, so 1.5 hours isn't to much time to work with. So what does that tell you? (Chris, you're an accountant, stop playing with numbers) No seriously, what else does it tell you? Really, what does it tell me....

I've spent most of my life worrying. My mom used to tell me it was because I drank to much coke as a kid, so the caffeine made me anxious. I really can't remember a moment in time where I haven't worried about something. Where there hasn't been a time that I heard something, thought that it in some way, applied to my life, and thus began worrying about its potential or lingering presence. I used too suffer from hypochondria, which is this mental state of mind where you think you're sick. It is defined as this "abnormal anxiety for one's health, usually thinking you have a serious illness." I remember as a kid being afraid to chew on pens because of the disease one could get. I would get a cough of some sort or a pain of any kind and immediately associate it with some terminal illness that was incurable, and as a result, place myself on death watch.

The worst part about this was that at one point in my life, it drifted from my health, and made its way to my relationships, my salvation, my everything. It was a pretty dark area of my life. I sought after God, however, at that point, it felt as if He wasn't there. Little did I know, I wasn't listening. I remember going to the office of a friend of mine, she was a psychologist, and just explaining to her my tormenting fears and anxieties. She was a christian, so she knew how to go about talking to me. She first gave me the logical explanation that God would resolve my conflicts, if I let Him. This answer did little for me. She then went on to remind me that with God, all things are possible and began showing me bible verses supporting her argument. Of course, doubting Thomas wanted the proof, he was not going to settle unless God came out of the sky and told him he was saved and he was going to heaven and that he wasn't sick.

She picked a different approach, an approach that often times is viewed as unconventional. At the time, she usually had her morning devotional by plucking from a plastic container that looked like a loaf of bread , a bible verse assigned just to that day. It was called "My Daily Bread". She grabbed this "loaf" and all the note cards (there were hundreds) into a bowl and shuffled them. Then said "Grab one," to which I responded, "I can't. This is the stuff pastors tell you not to do, with my luck, I'll get 'Judas hanged himself...go and do though likewise.'" "But it isn't about luck Chris, it is about God, you need to begin to genuinely place your trust in Him, and trust that He will answer you." "Fine, if God wants to speak to me, He will." I closed my eyes and said to myself, "God, I am at wits end here, I really don't know where to go, it won't go away, it never goes away, please....say something." So I reached in, a pulled out a verse....I almost cried....

A lot of the times in our lives, especially in my own, we let our minds wander, and lose sight of God. It's in these moments that we let our minds condemn us. We begin to feel convicted by the spirit, and instead of respond in repentance, we condemn ourselves for ever failing. It is at that point that we feel worthless. We become discouraged and empty, thinking we musn't be saved because...or, the message was about being fake Christian, he must be talking to me, God must be convicting me, it must have something to do with me, I am not a Christian, I am a fake, a liar, one who will be a living image of Matthew 7:21-23. I find that I feel that way a lot. I then find myself trying to find comfort in works, and in serving, in attendance, and when they don't work, I'll just give up. I'll lose hope, and I'll begin building my jail cell again. I'll leave...

I gave this verse to someone the other day by just looking up the work self-condemnation in the bible, little did I know, a week later, God would hit my face with it through the words of Bob Coy. Romans 8:1-2: "1Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,[a] 2because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Man is that something I need to remember. I can' let my mind tell me I'm nothing, that I am a fake. I need to "Resist the devil and he will flee from me" James 4:7. I can sit here and blog about this until my eyes turn blue, but it isn't until I begin accepting it, and understanding it, and applying it, that it goes away. And this is something I have never done before in my life. The devil wants me to get stuck in my own thoughts. He wants me to think of myself as unworthy, as a fake. This stunts my growth. Then my 16 hours of time to grow, turns into 1.5 hours of recovery from my 14.5 hours of worry. Not much room for growth there...

I gotta hang my boxing gloves and stop beating myself to death. I have to lay down my guns and lift my hands. I have to surrender EVERYTHING, especially my doubt, my self condemnation, my anxieties. I have to stand firm. When the enemy comes, I must continue pressing on, ignore him and his scare tactics, that is all they are, scare tactics, to fool us into giving in, so that we are stagnant christians. So that no one will benefit from our existence... Pray for me would you? Oh and one more thing...

The verse God gave me that day (yeah I saved it for the end leave me alone, I am a writer at heart) was 1 Peter 5:7:

"Cast ALL your anxieties on the Lord, for He cares for you." Talk about direct huh?