My wake up call...

What moves you? What motivates you? Are you content with where you are? I know I'm not. For years, I spent time trying to find contentment in all the wrong places. To this day, I still struggle with the idea of contentment. Even now as I type, I struggle with it. Contentment is man's ultimate need, in the flesh and the spirit. That feeling of acceptance, success, self-worth. I mean think about it, what drives you most of the time? You want self-worth, you want that feeling of satisfaction, you want to be noteworthy in someone's book.

The need for self-gratification and purpose is built into each one of us. Realizing this, we turn to any avenue to find it. This would be the part that I say, as any Christian would say, it can only be found in one place, however, I can't just tell you that and not give you reason behind it. What weight do my words carry if I don't give you a personal realization of this?

By now, you are well versed in where my mind has been these days and in the past few years, granted, I haven't said everything, however, you get the idea. My mind is a tornado. I'll take thoughts, ideas, doubts, you name it, and spin them around, over and over again, with each spin, picking up something else in my vortex. I am what you would call, an overthinker. I'll take something and spin it fifty different ways and tear it to pieces, analyzing every last corner, I am not lying when I say I am doubting Thomas. For me to accept things is difficult, I walk by sight and not by faith, and what a weak faith it is. The sad part is that I'll give the chair I sit in more faith than I give God. I don't question that this chair will fall from under me, however, I'll question God, like an idiot.

So how does that have anything to do with motivation? Well for someone like me, I'll need a tactile something I can attach motivation to. Whether it be a person, a ministry, an achievement, even a prayer, I need something. It is a miserable existence, and a lot of it stems from the fact I spent so much time far from God, I forgot what His voice sounds like. At this point I doubt I ever even knew what His voice sounded like. I don't even know where I am going with this at this point, however, I'll keep going.

When we attach our faith, our motivation, our reason, our success to something tactile, something temporary (person, item, job, ministry), well then our joy and sense of fulfillment once we acheive our goal becomes exactly what it's basis is, temporary. What's worse is when these things fail us. If your universe revolves around something fragile, well then your universe is exactly that, fragile, and the slightest wave, can bring your universe to a crumbling hault.

Why do I say all this? Well, God showed me something. See I had my purpose of doing things in something temporary, that temporary thing failed me, not by it's own fault, but because I had placed so much weight on it, that when it didn't do or go the way I thought it would, it failed me. In a sense, right now I am broken.

Whether or not I am just being a worry wort worrying about nothing remains to be seen, however, from this, I can take something, and I hope you can too. See this brokeness I so easily slipped into made me realize that I was wrong. I was wrong at how I was going about living. Storing up treasures on earth, truly is foolish, now, store up eternal treasures in heaven, now we are talking. Let me say my heavenly storehouse is pretty empty right now.

My state of discontent right now comes as a result of my disconnect from God. What needs to happen in my life and in yours if it hasn't already, is that we go the way of Colossians 3:2-3 "Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth. For you died, and your life was hidden with Christ in God." It isn't easy, but it is either that or feel like this till I die, no thanks.

Here is my prayer for today:

Lord, I say it a thousand times, how undeserving I am, but I need to start believing it, I need to really take it into account. Apart from you I am nothing, and until I start putting you in the center, and let every planet in my life revolve around you, I'll always have a fragile universe. God purify my heart, make You my only motivation. It's by grace I exist, not by my own work. Whatever I do that is good, isn't me. Continue to rip me from me. Less of me God. I pray Lord that I experience Your love on a daily basis, and that on a daily basis I die to myself. I don't want to be motivated by myself or something/someone else, let it be you God. Even this blog God, while theraputic, should not substitute my ultimate therapy, found in You. Forgive for being a fool, and for worrying about things that are beyond me, when I should just be trusting you in all things...I got nothing else God, just own my heart God right now, and my mind...Amen