Friday, February 24, 2012

Praying for Hope when I have none...

Romans 4:16 Therefore it is of faith that it might be according to grace, so that the promise might be sure to all the seed, not only to those who are of the law, but also to those who are of the faith of Abraham, who is the father of us all 17 (as it is written, “I have made you a father of many nations”) in the presence of Him whom he believed—God, who gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did; 18 who, contrary to hope, in hope believed, so that he became the father of many nations, according to what was spoken, “So shall your descendants be. 19 And not being weak in faith, he did not consider his own body, already dead (since he was about a hundred years old), and the deadness of Sarah’s womb.

God, sometimes I feel like there is so little I can say to you, even more so I feel as though it is so hard to hope against all hope. I look in myself and I see the worst of the worst and I ask myself how it is possible I can ever be fixed, how is it possible I can ever be accepted. In me I see a stone hearted cold person, who isn’t always moved by touching moments or charitable opportunities. I see someone who immediately defaults to worrying about me. I see someone who is bent for comfort and at the expense of others wants it. How is it you could possible love or even desire to use me? God I look in myself and am discouraged. I often question whether or not I am yours, and at times I ask myself why it is I am the way I am.

You tell me to hope against all hope. God I have no hope outside of you. I am so glad that righteousness is about believing, not about doing, meriting or earning. It doesn’t matter that I am as bad as they come, as bad as I am, you are better still. Where I abound, You abound infinitely so. Through one man sin entered into the world and by one Man, the God Man, grace entered. Lord, which is greater the one brought forth by man or the One brought forth by God? I am so glad the answer is clear, though sometimes it doesn’t seem so clear in the clouds of doubt and fog of fear that often invade the vision of you I so desperately grip in the depths of my heart.

I am so glad it isn’t about me. I am so glad that You have shown me how a person who is redeemed is not valued based on themselves, but on the price willing to be paid by the One doing the redemption. You paid a heavy price via your own blood and that speaks volumes of what you think of me, more than any commentary, person, loved one or book could possibly speak. God please help me to live there. To live in the position I have in Christ. God I don’t want to look at myself anymore, I hate looking, but God if looking means knowing and better appreciating You, then I’ll look, but give me the strength and the grace to see You, to look past me and see You.

To hope against all hope that you truly are enough and no matter how disgusting or dead I think I am on the inside, not matter how bent on sin I can be at times, no matter how hell bound I may sometimes feel, God you are bigger than all those thoughts and in me You, because of Your blood, You see “Your beloved Son, in whom You are well pleased.” "Though my heart condemn me, you are greater than my heart." Please help me live and move and have my being in that. Help my decisions be governed by that, help my words be filtered through that, and please help me glorify you. Don’t let me get so caught up in living in victory that I forget the Victor of this all.

Please keep me weak so that I can rely on you...for when I am weak, then I am strong, for when I realize it is not I who live, but you who live in me, then I can truly live by faith in You.

Help me to die into life...

No comments:

Post a Comment