Monday, February 22, 2010

The house of all this doubt and insecurity...

It was dark when I got up. I didn't realize where I was. There was absolutely no light. I was trapped. Where was I and how did I end up in here? I tried remembering what the last thing I had done was. I couldn't. I had realized that I had been in here all my life. Alone, cold and with no one. There were points in my life when I could see just outside, but I could never get the whole picture. I could never really make any progress. It was as if everytime I got a shot of light, my own hands would cover the holes.

It was quiet when he came. I was alone. That is the best time to strike. We have strength in numbers and he knew that. He patiently waited for me to get comfortable, then before I knew it I was in cell I had built. My silence and inability to cry out let him build my cell. Silence built the jail I sat in and Loneliness fortified it. I was trapped in my own thoughts.

What then? What was left? So I began to dig, trying in my own power to get out from under it. I continued digging, began creating another wall, this one made of my own effort. My effort, while fervent was insufficient and as a result, this insufficiency became my doom. I had nothing. I was stuck. It was where I remained for some time. It was familiar to me, because it wasn't the first time, but it definitely was the worst time. How could I have been so foolish? I grew up, knowing full well this would happen to me, knowing full well how to get out, and yet I just stood there, like a fool and built my own cell. I had had enough of it. I wanted out, but sometimes, those moments when we are so deep in trouble, are tools. Tools that humble us, and remind us just how feeble we are alone. But God....

I realized where it was I was, and what I had done. I realized that I alone couldn't break down the walls. But He could. I cried and yelled, screamed and punched. I Cried out desperately, but it wasn't until I admitted my faults and fell to my knees and whispered the words from my heart that He heard me. His hand appeared from the top of my mountain of failure. He grabbed me and pulled me up from the hole I had made. He made quick work of the walls I had built. I stood as He began to destroy every barrier and every wall I had built. He tore them all down. Together we ran, but I was weak. My body couldn't handle the run. I turned to Him and admitted my weakness. He showed me His strength as He picked me up and carried me on His back. He had saved me, and I owed my life to Him. I told Him I would stop at nothing to make sure what He wanted from me was done. I gave Him my life, signed over my rights to Him.

Have I looked back? Oh plenty of times. In fact I spend more time then I should worrying about my motives, meanings, and myself. In reality, my feelings ought to be disregarded, my self should be thrown out, and my motives should only be tested against what He has already told me. The worst is when I feel as if God doesn't speak to me or use me. It is dirty feeling, feeling as if you don't belong among those you call friends just because you don't feel God using you or speaking to you. You feel forgotten and in a sense, not fit to be a Christian.

Yesterday I was reminded that surrendering to God isn't a feeling, it is a sincere action. I'll forgo my thoughts, my doubts, my worries, and just focus on Him, even if it kills me. The sweetest part of the above feeling is when He speaks to you, then it means more. He knows me so well that He purposely lines things up in such a way that it caters to me and my way of thinking. I read this the other night on accident (I did one of those open the bible, God speak to me things).

Isaiah 44

21 "Remember these things, O Jacob,
for you are my servant, O Israel.
I have made you, you are my servant;
O Israel, I will not forget you.

22 I have swept away your offenses like a cloud,
your sins like the morning mist.
Return to me,
for I have redeemed you."

Still, it wasn't enough for me. Doubting Thomas needed to touch the holes. Let me just day, the last 24 hours have been amazing. It was confirmation day for me yesterday, and He would not stop. He knew that Doubting Thomas needed to touch, see and feel it. He hasn't stopped since yesterday, just this morning He laid down a spiritual bomb. Check it out on my facebook.

I am Doubting Thomas. I am the man in the jail cell. I am also happy to report that I am the man who, through His grace, broke free, and is about ready to get up and dance in His love.

I was housing all that doubt, and insecurity, and I'd been locked inside that house, all the while You held the key....Thanks


  1. this is beautiful my friend!
    " I am the man in the jail cell. I am also happy to report that I am the man who, through His grace, broke free, and is about ready to get up and dance in His love." I am going to have to quote you on this. I feel the exact same way: dancing, leaping and spinning in His love.

  2. I just typed it how I saw it, felt it, and heard it. And the "Broke free, and is about ready to get up and dance in His love" is totally hillsong...